Thursday, May 3, 2012

It's Different Now...

In one week, I get to see my Baby Cinco again.  It will be for our anatomy scan.  During past pregnancies, I have always looked forward to this appointment the most.  It has always been the day we found out if we were having a boy or girl.

I've always been aware of the entire appointment.  All the measurements they take before revealing boy or girl.  We've always received comments like, "Things look great!" and "What a healthy looking baby(ies)."  And I've never thought alot about it.

But this one is different.  I know many, many things that they can find wrong.  I feel this appointment almost looming ahead.  I feel each moment as it's part of the last week of bliss.  I know, right now, at this moment, that Cinco is healthy.  This time next week, I know our world could be turned upside down, once again.  And I hate knowing all this.  I miss the naive excitement that used to come with the approaching anatomy scan.

I am scared terrified at times.  I talk to Cinco several times a day.  Tell him/her how I much I love every moment, every movement.  I hold onto those movements so tight.  Knowing that she/he is still alive and moving around.  And yet, part of me knows that even though I feel the movement, it doesn't neccessarily mean Cinco is healthy.  I don't like being Debbie Downer, I just know the reality of it all. 

My goal for this next week is to enjoy the blissfullness.  To really embrace each moment.  Living in fear is not how the Lord wants us to live.  I try to remember that, and am grateful for those around me who remind me of that.  Every night as I pray for Cinco's health, I also pray for peace in this pregnancy. 

How do you feel as days like this approach?  If you have your rainbow baby in your arms, did you feel similar?  Did it get better or worse as delivery day approached? 


Dana said...

I felt the same way about ultrasound during this pregnancy. Looking forward to them on one level, but very, very scared on another. It's the same with doctor's appointments (and I have one today). Boh has been quiet today and it is terrifying me, even though I have felt her squirming around. After how active she was yesterday, she probably needs some extra sleep. So I'm glad I have an appointment today already, but scared to death of getting bad news. I looked forward to ultrasound and appointments with Jacob. So it's very different now.

DandelionBreeze said...

Thinking of you as your scan approaches... this is such a huge day and I'm hoping it all goes well. I can relate to talking with our little ones inside... I did that every day with Gabrielle. My heart is with you xoxo

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