How many??

I am sure this is a topic that will be written on often here.  It is one of the inevitable questions we all receive, and like so many other aspects of this journey, it becomes a little tougher when you are expecting your rainbow baby.

How many kids do you have?  What number does this baby make?  I always like to imagine seeing the look on someone's face when I am with Colton and Ethan, and they ask me those questions.  If I answer baby number 5, I am sure they would gasp.  They would probably whisper about me to the person they were with, thinking I must not know how to keep my legs shut.  Or they would simply ask where the other two are, how old they are, and if they were boys or girls.

I will probably often stick to a simple answer that will bring only a smile.  This will be my third baby to enjoy, I  hope.  Or something along those lines.   I feel very protective of Lucas and Caleb. Only those who are going to be close to me are privileged enough to know about them.  It took me 10 months to tell the PTA board, people I see several times a month, about them.  And even then it was hard.  I still didn't feel ready, or all them deserving.  My babies are precious to me.  Their memories and ashes are all I have here of them.   But then, how do you backtrack and announce your Heavenly babies?  "You know, a year ago when I met you, I said I had two kids?  Well actually I had four then but two died, and we are expecting number 5."

I thought these question would become easier after conceiving Cinco.  Instead they are harder in ways.  We're expecting another baby, yes.  But I don't feel like I can say we're having another baby.  I can't put into words my lack of excitement as I talk about expecting another, without introducing Lucas and Caleb.  And still I feel like some might look at me as being ungrateful, unappreciative because I'm not announcing from the rooftops with glee.  They probably can't see how tight I am holding onto this baby, how long I hoped and prayed for this baby.  And how I know all too well how fragile this little life inside of me truly is.

I get all these comments now about having a third baby.  How a third child changes everything.  And at times, I just want to scream out, "Well, I should have skipped number three and gone from two to four."  But I just smile and nod.  I know so many don't even know the depth of what they are saying.  I get that, but it is still frustrating at times.  Yes, Cinco will, hopefully, be my third living child.  But she/he will always be my fifth baby.

How do you talk about the number of children you have?  Has it changed since you've conceived or delivered your rainbow baby?  How do you feel when others don't know about your missing child(ren), and they comment on having X number of kids?

Also, there have been some troubles with commenting here and there.  Please let us know if you experience any problems.