Emotional Balance

I'm Angela, I blog over at Little Bird, and I'm really excited to be part of Among the Circle.  My daughter, Charlotte, was born on May 14, 2010.  She died shortly after birth, cause unknown, one of life's mysteries that we've had to learn to live with and accept. On September 9, 2011, our second child, Bennett, was born.

My second pregnancy was full of anxiety, worry, and fear, but there were good moments too.  I enjoyed carrying life again.  I was happy to have a second chance to parent a living child, one I could hold in my arms and watch grow.

When I was pregnant with Bennett I had to take things slowly.  It was too overwhelming to think about September, his due date, his birth, so I focused on one small goal at a time - the next appointment with the specialist, ultrasound, prenatal with my midwife.  I focused on making it to 6, then 7, then 8 weeks, ticking each one off as it slowly went by.  I didn't think about the second or third trimester, or how I would handle the anxiety of birth.  I kept my head down, and focused on putting one foot in front of the other.

As baby loss parents we know the sacredness of time in the womb.  24 weeks is better than 20, 35 better than 30 etc.  We understand the thin line that exists between life and death, and how a pregnancy, or birth, can change so quickly from fine to broken it leaves one breathless.  We carry that with us throughout our subsequent pregnancies. The constant presence of fear haunts us, so intense we accept it into our lives as real, a shadow that will walk with us through this time in our lives.

Because of when we lost Charlotte I was worried thirty-eight to forty weeks would be the only time we had with Bennett.  I didn't want to spend those weeks in a constant state of fear.  I wanted to enjoy my time with him just in case it was all I had.

I had to find a way to mesh the fear and joy together, to force them to hold hands and coexist so I could make it through my long thirty-nine week pregnancy.  I prayed, listened to Hypnobabies joyful pregnancy affirmations and fear clearing tracks (highly recommend), blogged and blogged and blogged, cried on my midwife's shoulder, cried with my husband, laughed with friends.

Pregnancy after loss is a balancing act.  It's hard to live in limbo, to always be mindful of what can go wrong while trying to enjoy the miracle of growing a life.  Much of the time I felt like I couldn't find the happiness.  It was hard to feel positive and believe everything would be fine, but it would have been too emotionally taxing to be terrified for thirty-nine weeks.  Sometimes I had to force myself to rise from the watery depths of fear and take huge gulping lung filling breaths of happiness, which gave me enough oxygen to make it to the next goal: one more day done, one more week gone, each moment moving me closer to meeting my baby.

What have your moments of happiness been this pregnancy?  How about fear?  Do you feel like you can enjoy your pregnancy, or are you simply counting down the days to delivery?

Creating Differences

Nine weeks into this pregnancy with Cinco, and I have already lost track of things I am trying to do differently.  With the pregnancy being only two weeks behind in the timeline of Lucas and Caleb's, there is quite a bit of that to do.    Every birthday and holiday I am pregnant from January until June, I was pregnant with them. And since I am big on traditions, it is really like deja-vu.  I sat in the very same classroom for Colton's Valentine's party, pregnant with the twins, two years ago as I did this year for Ethan's, and pregnant with Cinco.  It was something I couldn't avoid.  It was hard, though.

In my mind, if I can do little things differenty, this pregnancy will end differently.  Some of these things may sound silly to some people, but in my mind, they just might make a difference.  Another mom and I talked about how when we've lost our babies, we told our husbands while they were still in bed.  So this time, we both made sure they were up and about.  And we are now 9 weeks and 14 weeks pregnant.  See, something you would never think about, unless you've been here.

I keep looking back at my pregnancy with Lucas and Caleb to check dates of appointments, trips we took, and milestones we hit.  For some reason, it seems like everything is trying to coincide with each other, and it drives me a little crazy.  W's birthday is coming up next month.  We usually go to Lambert's to celebrate.  And I really don't want to this year.  We were home for Easter when I was pregnant with the twins, I am planning on being far away, and I will not be swimming on Memorial Day weekend this year.  You won't find me anywhere near a pool.  And I am pretty sure my ob appt's will fall in the same calendar week starting in April.  I hope with all hope my dr will let me go in a week early to throw that off some.

by Carrie

What things are you doing differently this pregnancy as compared to your pregnancy that ended in loss?  Are your timelines similar also.  If so, how has that affected you?

Welcome

Welcome Friends!

Rainbow Baby: A baby that is conceive after the loss of a baby.  Much like the rainbow that comes after a storm.

I know the bitter sweetness that has brought you here.  The loss of a sweet baby(ies) and the journey of expecting a your rainbow baby. 

When Willy and I first began to discuss trying to conceive again, I panicked.  I wondered if I could really take the chance again.  I wondered if we could survive another loss.  I desperately wanted someone to share it all with.  To know that everything I was already feeling was normal for this babyloss momma.  I searched for a support site for moms who are experiencing a subsequent pregnancy, or have had their rainbows, but found very little. 

And so this site has been born.  I want it to be a safe haven for everyone who visits.  A place where moms can read, share, and relate to each other.  My goal is to have 5 or so regular authors with a few guest authors here and there.  If you are ever interested in sharing here, please feel free to email us.

Over the coming days and weeks, we'll add more posts, more helpful links, and more information.  If you know of any sites or organizations we should add, please let us know.  We really want this space to be helpful and an open community of support.    At the end of each post, we welcome your comments.  We hope you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts on the topics we write about.

Welcome to Among The Circle.  We are so sorry for your loss and are happy to be sharing your rainbow journey with you.

Carrie